1. Think about yourself.
2. Talk about yourself.
3. Use “I” as often as possible.
4. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others.
5. Listen greedily to what people have to say about you.
6. Expect to be appreciated.
7. Be suspicious.
8. Be jealous and envious.
9. Be sensitive to slights.
10. Never forgive a criticism.
11. Trust no one but yourself.
12. Insist on consideration and respect.
13. Demand agreement with your own views on everything.
14. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them.
15. Never forget a service you may have rendered.
16. Be on the lookout for a good time for yourself.
17. Shirk your duties if you can.
18. Do as little as possible for others.
19. Love yourself supremely.
20. Be selfish.
This recipe is guaranteed to be infallible.
—Author unknown

Satire: Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire)

Digging through my collection of auction bargains, I stumbled across (no, not literally!) the famed missing evolutionary link. Imagine! It was right among us all this time!

I have dutifully photographed the first link, the last link, and the missing middle link. First, let me introduce you to the first link of the genus wrenchus. This first photograph is wrenchus simplisticus. You will note the basic structure of this species has already adapted itself to specific purposes, with an ingenious design that permits simplisticus to wrap itself around bolts and give them a good twisting. The estimated time for evolutionary forces to develop the double-headed feature would be about 76,536 generations. Each new generation would slowly grow out the needed prongs that make simplisticus a productive link in the food chain.

Wrenchus simplisticus

Now, the missing link! I will go ahead and place the picture of wrenchus rachitus, so as to not keep you in suspense.

Wrenchus rachitus

From a simple four-pronged, but two-headed creature, the wrenchus genus was able to get its two heads together and form a single, but more sophisticated, revolving head. This head could actually spin in two different directions, and in conjunction with another species, >soketis variables, it extended its usefulness a great deal. In its fossilized state, the head of the specimen pictured above is locked in place, but while in its day, it could move bolts a bit at a time, thus saving efforts and performing functions that simplisticus could not achieve. It survived the genetic change and adapted as a more fitting species to the conditions it found itself inhabiting.

And now the final link, wrenchus impactus. Pictured below is a finely preserved specimen of this species. Notice the greatly advanced adaptations. It can now breath with the help of another species, aires compresores, which is good, as it has not developed lungs of its own. With another 26,742 generations, it hopes to become free from its current leech status on compresores.

Wrenchus impactus

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to live another 35,677,433 years? Imagine what wrenchus impactuswill evolve into! Let me fill you in on a few of the ambitious developments it hopes to attain to within the next 35,677,433 years:

1. Develop the ability to feed off of used motor oil. Since impactus lives in an environment where used motor oil is abundant—and it has noticed that few other species currently feed on it—it hopes to develop the necessary internal organs to process the calories in the oil. It has a start already. You notice that it has a rudimentary mouth, right above the 11” mark on the tape measure. The waste material exits in the curved area above the 5” mark. If it did not already have these adaptations, it would maybe take another 4,568,344 years, but it has a head start on the project. Now all it needs is a stomach, a colon, a liver, and a few other odds and ends like the necessary acids and digestive juices to process the oil and it will be able to leave its dependency on being alimented from the exhaled air of aires compresores.
2. impactus reproduces asexually. But noticing that most all other living creatures have a male and a female counterpart, impactus has determined to be like the rest. What it needs is for some of the species to focus intently on becoming a male, while the other half focus on becoming female. Hopefully the ability to reproduce asexually holds out until both the males and the females have fully developed their reproductive organs, or it will be the end of the impactus species! Once both male and female have fully developed, they can leave off the asexual reproduction of themselves, like almost all other sexually-reproducing species have.
3. And finally, impactus would really like to gain a conscience. As it stands, this species, and the earlier species as well, could twist off a bolt on a pink Cadillac without the slightest twinge of conscience. The problem is that no one has ever determined just how a conscience has evolved, so impactus is at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it. None the less, impactus is determined to document the development so that 35,677,433 years from now other species will know how to go about it as well.

Well, wouldn’t it be wonderful to see this all come to pass! Why, those creationists will surely have to shut their mouths, poor creatures. They say they don’t believe that something can develop out of nothing, and that current living things are too complex to have “just happened”. Even though wrenchus simplisticus was a rather simple being, and his evolving into wrenchus rachitus was a somewhat rudimentary refinement of the genus, it is proof enough that biological macro-evolution is science. And then to see how rachitus evolved into impactus! Who can believe such a fairy tale of a big, unseen, unknown Creator? I can understand a little how the missing link I have found could be doubted by a few of the most hard-headed creationists, but you have to wonder if they would still disbelieve 35,677,433 years from now, when impactus develops on its own strength and natural selection into an oil-eating, sexually-reproducing, conscientious wrenchus magnamus.

Well, hopefully some day they will turn their brains on and drop this silly idea of “intelligent design”.

You know, it seems some folks just believe whatever others tell them, regardless of how stupid and unrealistic it really is… Poor souls!

—Mike Atnip

Mike Atnip graduated from Kindergarten en 1973, and is currently working on his M.A. in Common Sense at The School of Hard Knocks. When not researching and writing about the evolution of the wrenchus genus, he occupies his specimens in his work as an uncertified shade-tree mechanic. Mike would love to add wrenchus magnamus to his motley collection of tools, so that it could dispose of his used motor oil and provide him the ability to work on cars without the need of being tethered to airus compresores. And with its sensitive conscience, Mike would not be twisting off so many bolts on his customers’ cars. As well, Mike could begin a breeding program and sell baby wrenchus magnamus to other mechanics, thus providing enough income to replace his shade tree with a real garage. However…Mike has never been able to muster up enough faith to believe in the absurdity of the doctrine of biological macro-evolution a la Darwin.

The following quote jumped out at me from a little book someone sent me:

“Christianity is a crime which the world can never forgive.”

Get ready to get hammered if you preach that Christians will overcome sin in their life!

John Nelson–who wrote the above quote–was one of the first laymen to preach with John and Charles Wesley. He was forced into the army by people angry at his preaching and open rebuking.  It seems in those day that vagrants and other unwanted folks in a community were taken care of by simply forcing them into military service.  It would seem to me that an army of outlaws would not be very trustworthy, but we’ll leave that for now…

John Nelson was considered an evil man in his day.  His crime?  Tell folks they can know their sins are forgiven, and tell them they can, and should, live above sin.  He had bricks, eggs, potatoes and other objects hurled at him, and the house he was preaching at had all the windows busted out on one occasion by an angry mob.  His wife was beaten so severely by other women angry at John’s preaching, that the baby she was carrying in her womb was killed.

The crime?  Telling people that real Christians do not sin willfully.

While I do not agree with all of John Nelson’s theological points, the little book has proven to be thought-provoking and convicting…or at least challenging.  As mentioned, John reproved everyone he met for sins like swearing.  If you can imaging getting abducted into the army (by the way, he refused to kill anyone, according to Jesus’ command) with a bunch of godless outlaws as your companions, and then faithfully reproving them for every swear word–yes, EVERY swear word–then you can imagine John’s situation.  But it had its rewards.  On one occasion, within 24 hours all the soldiers around him quit cursing in his presence because of his rebukes.  And others people fell under conviction of sin at one of his reproofs.

The early Methodists were known for their reproving of sin.  You can read more about them in my book How the Circuit Riders Saved America.

Whether you read the book or not, just remember that Christianity–the real Christianity–is a crime the world cannot forgive.  And if the world is forgiving us and not persecuting us, then maybe we had better look to see if our walk with God is real.

Bumper sticker made by Watchman Gospel Signs

Would you like to advertise for Jesus?  Years ago I noticed how much folks advertise for the devil on their vehicles and T-shirts.  And it hit me that I should advertise for Jesus.

Watchman Gospel Signs, owned and operated by Brother Roger Hertzler, will gladly help you with bumper stickers or yard signs.  His site has many photos of what can be done with lettering in the windows or on the body of a car.  As well, check out the various articles that he has posted on evangelizing.  Roger is also the author of the book Through the Eye of a Needle- The Doctrine of Non-accumulation.

If you like, you can paint your own signs.  The picture on the right

Hand-painted advertisement for Jesus on the ol' Ford

is a sample of what I did on my old Ford truck.  The “Fear God” lettering is based on the font used in the popular phrase “No Fear”.  I traced the lettering from the bumper sticker Roger made for me, and then painted it freehand on the tailgate.

Advertise for Jesus!  Of course, the best way to advertise is to walk the walk, but we also need to talk the walk.  Enough of the Devil getting all the promotion!

From a letter by John Wesley to Joseph Cownley, an early Methodist  preacher.

I see a danger you are in, which, perhaps, you do not see yourself.  Is it not most pleasing to me, as well as you, to be always preaching of the love of God?  And is there not a time when we are peculiarly led thereto, and find a peculiar blessing therein?

Without doubt, so it is.  But yet it would be utterly wrong and unscriptural to preach of nothing else.

Let the law always prepare for the gospel.  I scarce ever spoke more  earnestly here [he was in Ireland at the time of writing] of the love of God in Christ than last night.  But it was after I had been tearing the unawakened in pieces. Go thou and do likewise.  It is true the love of God in Christ alone feeds His children.

But even they are to be guided, as well as fed.  Yes, and often doctored too.  And the bulk of our hearers must be purged before they are fed.  Else we only feed the disease.

Beware of all honey.  It is the best extreme; but it is an extreme.  I am your affectionate brother,

John Wesley

Life that is aimless is both restless and forceless. How many a trumpet hangs on the walls of society, useless, voiceless and rusty! It has no luster and gives forth no music, and is losing the power to emit sound. What an hour of redemption, when some brave warrior lays hands on the long unused instrument, puts it to his lips and blows a bugle blast!
Young men—you whose life hangs idle, aimless, mute, while the right is battling with the wrong, would to God that some hero-spirit might set you quivering and resounding with the clarion-peal of a holy purpose to serve God and man! No work is so wearisome as doing nothing, and no self-sacrifice is so costly as self-indulgence. Could you wear the “magic skin” which makes sure the gratification of every selfish whim, it would shrink with every new carnal pleasure and so at last crush out all true life.
A.T. Pierson

Brother Steve is making a trip by land from Cartagena, Colombia to northern Argentina, by land.  Along the way he will be stopping to visit some folks who have contacted me from my Spanish website El Cristianismo Primitivo.  It is an unusual opportunity, as not too many folks travel the spine of the Andes by vehicle.  Actually, his route will be mostly along the coast, where roads are not quite so snaky.  But along the way he will be visiting folks in various places, taking the gospel of the kingdom with him as he goes.

Pray!

Luis Alberto Rodriguez, Esteban Mast, Omar Dario Sanchez