Satire: Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire)

Digging through my collection of auction bargains, I stumbled across (no, not literally!) the famed missing evolutionary link. Imagine! It was right among us all this time!

I have dutifully photographed the first link, the last link, and the missing middle link. First, let me introduce you to the first link of the genus wrenchus. This first photograph is wrenchus simplisticus. You will note the basic structure of this species has already adapted itself to specific purposes, with an ingenious design that permits simplisticus to wrap itself around bolts and give them a good twisting. The estimated time for evolutionary forces to develop the double-headed feature would be about 76,536 generations. Each new generation would slowly grow out the needed prongs that make simplisticus a productive link in the food chain.

Wrenchus simplisticus

Now, the missing link! I will go ahead and place the picture of wrenchus rachitus, so as to not keep you in suspense.

Wrenchus rachitus

From a simple four-pronged, but two-headed creature, the wrenchus genus was able to get its two heads together and form a single, but more sophisticated, revolving head. This head could actually spin in two different directions, and in conjunction with another species, >soketis variables, it extended its usefulness a great deal. In its fossilized state, the head of the specimen pictured above is locked in place, but while in its day, it could move bolts a bit at a time, thus saving efforts and performing functions that simplisticus could not achieve. It survived the genetic change and adapted as a more fitting species to the conditions it found itself inhabiting.

And now the final link, wrenchus impactus. Pictured below is a finely preserved specimen of this species. Notice the greatly advanced adaptations. It can now breath with the help of another species, aires compresores, which is good, as it has not developed lungs of its own. With another 26,742 generations, it hopes to become free from its current leech status on compresores.

Wrenchus impactus

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to live another 35,677,433 years? Imagine what wrenchus impactuswill evolve into! Let me fill you in on a few of the ambitious developments it hopes to attain to within the next 35,677,433 years:

1. Develop the ability to feed off of used motor oil. Since impactus lives in an environment where used motor oil is abundant—and it has noticed that few other species currently feed on it—it hopes to develop the necessary internal organs to process the calories in the oil. It has a start already. You notice that it has a rudimentary mouth, right above the 11” mark on the tape measure. The waste material exits in the curved area above the 5” mark. If it did not already have these adaptations, it would maybe take another 4,568,344 years, but it has a head start on the project. Now all it needs is a stomach, a colon, a liver, and a few other odds and ends like the necessary acids and digestive juices to process the oil and it will be able to leave its dependency on being alimented from the exhaled air of aires compresores.
2. impactus reproduces asexually. But noticing that most all other living creatures have a male and a female counterpart, impactus has determined to be like the rest. What it needs is for some of the species to focus intently on becoming a male, while the other half focus on becoming female. Hopefully the ability to reproduce asexually holds out until both the males and the females have fully developed their reproductive organs, or it will be the end of the impactus species! Once both male and female have fully developed, they can leave off the asexual reproduction of themselves, like almost all other sexually-reproducing species have.
3. And finally, impactus would really like to gain a conscience. As it stands, this species, and the earlier species as well, could twist off a bolt on a pink Cadillac without the slightest twinge of conscience. The problem is that no one has ever determined just how a conscience has evolved, so impactus is at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it. None the less, impactus is determined to document the development so that 35,677,433 years from now other species will know how to go about it as well.

Well, wouldn’t it be wonderful to see this all come to pass! Why, those creationists will surely have to shut their mouths, poor creatures. They say they don’t believe that something can develop out of nothing, and that current living things are too complex to have “just happened”. Even though wrenchus simplisticus was a rather simple being, and his evolving into wrenchus rachitus was a somewhat rudimentary refinement of the genus, it is proof enough that biological macro-evolution is science. And then to see how rachitus evolved into impactus! Who can believe such a fairy tale of a big, unseen, unknown Creator? I can understand a little how the missing link I have found could be doubted by a few of the most hard-headed creationists, but you have to wonder if they would still disbelieve 35,677,433 years from now, when impactus develops on its own strength and natural selection into an oil-eating, sexually-reproducing, conscientious wrenchus magnamus.

Well, hopefully some day they will turn their brains on and drop this silly idea of “intelligent design”.

You know, it seems some folks just believe whatever others tell them, regardless of how stupid and unrealistic it really is… Poor souls!

—Mike Atnip

Mike Atnip graduated from Kindergarten en 1973, and is currently working on his M.A. in Common Sense at The School of Hard Knocks. When not researching and writing about the evolution of the wrenchus genus, he occupies his specimens in his work as an uncertified shade-tree mechanic. Mike would love to add wrenchus magnamus to his motley collection of tools, so that it could dispose of his used motor oil and provide him the ability to work on cars without the need of being tethered to airus compresores. And with its sensitive conscience, Mike would not be twisting off so many bolts on his customers’ cars. As well, Mike could begin a breeding program and sell baby wrenchus magnamus to other mechanics, thus providing enough income to replace his shade tree with a real garage. However…Mike has never been able to muster up enough faith to believe in the absurdity of the doctrine of biological macro-evolution a la Darwin.

Let us beware how we foster the spirit of caste. Charles Darwin pronounced the Patagonians (South end of Argentina and Chile) the missing link between man and the monkey, and thought that not even the lever of Christian missions could uplift them…
But…

Darwin thought the Fuegian peoples to be one of the links between man and monkey, and thought they could never be civilized. He later confessed he was wrong. (Picture modified slightly for modesty's sake.)

Admiral Sulivan, who lived on the Falkland Islands for a time, attended the annual meeting of the South American Missionary Society in 1881. While there, he stated that he had informed Darwin of the great changes that had taken place in his Patagonian “human monkeys”: of kindness shown to shipwrecked crews by the converted natives, and how chicken houses remained unlocked, without even the theft of an egg. He stated that in reply, Darwin had candidly confessed: “I could not have believed that all the missionaries in the world could ever have made the Fuegians honest.”
So remarkable is the testimony of this great naturalist—who was, however, no “supernaturalist,”—that with his oft-quoted testimony we close this brief sketch. He had said after his visit to Patagonia, “Nothing can be done by means of mission work; all the pains bestowed on the natives will be thrown away; they never can be civilized.” This was Darwin’s opinion until proofs of the facts confronted him. Then he candidly admitted he was wrong, and added: “I had always thought that the civilization of the Japanese is the most wonderful thing in history; but I am now convinced that what the missionaries have done in Tierra del Fuego, in civilizing the natives, is at least as wonderful.” From that time, Darwin himself regularly donated to the mission society’s funds.
-Taken from the book The New Acts of the Apostles by A.T. Pierson

The following little quote is from the Institute for Creation Research article telling of their recent purchase of a fossil specimen.  While the base upon which the specimen was “intelligently designed”, evidently the fossil was not!

The Edmontosaurus fossil that ICR purchased was offered at auction here in Dallas, but it had no bidders. ICR was able to negotiate a substantially reduced price, for which we are thankful. The auction brochure described the skeleton as “mounted on a beautifully designed minimalist base, custom fitted with high quality castors for ease of mobility.” The base was described as “intelligently designed.”

Isn’t it interesting that anyone can recognize evidence of design except for those who evaluated this intricate skeleton? It evolved, according to evolutionary thinking, by random mutation and mindless natural selection, with no intelligence involved. ICR plans to house this specimen in a future museum on our Dallas campus, and we look forward to using it to counter such ludicrous claims.