Speakers include Nelson Gingerich, PA; David Graber, FL; Jerry Hoover, OH; Roger Hertzler, OR; Edward Kline, OH; John D. Martin, PA; Nathan Overholt, FL; Johnny Swartzentruber, GA; Chester Weaver, IN
For information, call 941-373-9351 or 941-371-8991.

-Thomas von Imbroich, taken from one of the letters to his wife, which he wrote to her in prison- mid 1500s. (From the book, Golden Apples in Silver Bowls)

Fruit or Doctrine? Which will be judged by?

Click the link for a
Book review of Will the Theologians Please Sit Down, by David Bercot.

“Come, give your hand,” said the smiling World,
“And together we shall go!”
But the good Church hid her snowy hand
And solemnly answered, “No!!

I will not give you my hand at all,
And I will not walk with you.
Your way is the way of eternal death,
And your words are all untrue.”

“No, walk with me a little ways,”
Said the World with a kindly air.
“The road I walk is a pleasant road,
And the sun shines always there.

Your path is thorny and rough and rude,
But mine is broad and plain;
My way is paved with flowers and dews,
And yours with tears and pain.

The sky to me is always blue,
No lack, no toil I know;
The sky above you is always dark;
Your lot is a lot of woe.

My way, you can see, is a soft easy one,
And my gate is high and wide;
There is room enough for you and me;
So let’s travel side by side.”

Half shyly the Church approached the World
And gave him her hand of snow;
And the false World grasped it, and walked along
And whispered in accents low,

“Your dress is too simple to please my taste;
I have pinks and oranges to wear,
Sensuous hues for your graceful form
And sprays to fluff your hair.”

Then added he, with a shake of his head,
Shielding his eyes in the glare,
“It makes much sense in this fierce sunshine
Your comely calves to bare.”

The Church looked down at her plain, modest clothes
And then at the dazzling World,
And blushed as she saw his handsome lip,
With a smile contemptuous curled.

“I will change my dress for a prettier one,”
Said the Church with a smile of grace;
So her simple garments were stashed away,
And the World gave, in their place,

Beautiful satins and flowery sheens,
With roses and lace and swirls;
While over her forehead her bright hair fell
In two bouncy, enticing curls.

“Your house is too plain” said the proud old World,
“Let us build you one like mine,
With kitchen for feasting and rec room for play
And cabinets never so fine.”

So he built her a costly and beautiful house;
Awesome it was to behold!
Her sons and her daughters met frequently there,
Shining in purple and gold.

There were cushioned seats for the lazy and rich,
To sit in their glutton and pride;
But the poor who were clad in humble array,
Were scorned ‘til they went outside.

Powerpoints and films in the halls were shown,
And the World and his children were there.
Laughter and music and ping-pong were heard
In the place that was meant for prayer.

The angel in mercy rebuked the Church,
And whispered, “I know thy sin.”
Then the Church looked sad, and anxiously longed
To gather the children in.

But some were away at the midnight bowl,
And others online did play,
And some were hangin’ at Pizza Hut:
So the angel went away.

Then said the World in soothing tones,
“Your children mean no harm—
Merely indulging in innocent sports,”
So she leaned on his proffered arm,

And smiled, and chatted, and downloaded photos,
And walked along with the World,
While countless millions of precious souls.
Over the fearful brink were hurled.

“Your preachers are too old-fashioned and plain,”
Said the smart World with a sneer.
“They frighten my children with dreadful tales
Which I do not like to hear.

They talk of judgments and fire and pain,
And the doom of darkest night.
They warn of a place that should not be
Mentioned to ears polite!

I will send you some of a better stamp,
More brilliant, educated, fast;
Who will show how men their flesh may please
And go to heaven at last.

The Father is merciful, great and good;
Loving and tender and kind.
Do you think He’d take one child to heaven
And leave another behind?”

So she called for pleasing and smart divines,
Deemed gifted and great and learned;
And the plain-spoken men who had preached the cross
Were out of her pulpits turned.

Then Mammon came in and supported the Church
And sat in a well-padded pew;
And preaching and chorals and floral display
Soon proclaimed a gospel new.

“You give too much to the poor,” said the World,
“Far more than you ought to do;
Though the poor need shelter, food, and clothes,
Why thus need it deprive you?

And afar to the heathen in foreign lands
Your thoughts need seldom roam.
The Father of mercies will care for them:
Let charity start at home.

Go take your money and buy nice shoes
And cars and pickups fine;
And phones and ipods and cameras,
The latest and costliest kind.

My children, they dote on all such things,
And if you their love would win,
You must do as they do, and walk in the way—
The up-to-date way they’re in.”

The Church her purse snaps tightly shut
And shamefully lowered her head.
She whimpered, “I’ve given too much away.
I will do, sir, as you have said.”

So the poor were pushed out her mind;
She heard not the orphan’s cry;
And she silently covered her Mastercard
As the widows went weeping by.

Thus they of the Church and they of the World
Journeyed closely, hand and heart.
And none but the Master, who knows all things,
Understood they had once walked apart.

Then the Church sat down at ease and said,
“I am rich and in goods increased.
I have need of nothing, and naught to do,
But to play, to sing, and to eat.”

The sly World heard her and laughed in his sleeve,
And mockingly said aside,
“The Church has fallen, the beautiful Church;
Her shame is her boast and pride.”

Thus her witnessing power, alas, was lost,
And perilous times came in;
The times of the end, so often foretold,
Of form and pleasure and sin.

Then the angel drew near the mercy seat
And whispered in sighs her name,
And the saints their anthems of rapture hushed
And covered their heads with shame.

A voice came down from the hush of heaven,
From Him who sat on the throne;
“I know your works and what you have said—
But alas! You have not known,

That you are poor and naked and blind,
With pride and ruin ensnarled;
The expectant bride of a heavenly Groom
Is the harlot of the World!

You have ceased to watch for that blessed hope,
Have fallen from zeal and grace;
So now, alas! I must cast you out
And blot your name from its place.”

James Strong published a concordance, the most widely used in the English-speaking world. However, the overuse of concordances has helped to throw expository preaching in the corner.

I have never really been one to use Bible Study courses, but not everyone is like I am. For those who speak Spanish, Cursos Bíblicos por correspondencia are available, and just now I have added Cours bibliques par correspondance.

The best way for me is to read the Bible, or perhaps use a Strong’s Concordance.

The danger with concordances is that we tend to think of the Bible as a set of theological statements, rather than a narrative of God dealing with man.  It has been noted that most of today’s preaching is topical in nature, rather than expository.  Not that topical preaching is bad, but a 90/10 balance of probably better called an imbalance.

Digging through my collection of auction bargains, I stumbled across (no, not literally!) the famed missing evolutionary link. Imagine! It was right among us all this time!

I have dutifully photographed the first link, the last link, and the missing middle link. First, let me introduce you to the first link of the genus wrenchus. This first photograph is wrenchus simplisticus. You will note the basic structure of this species has already adapted itself to specific purposes, with an ingenious design that permits simplisticus to wrap itself around bolts and give them a good twisting. The estimated time for evolutionary forces to develop the double-headed feature would be about 76,536 generations. Each new generation would slowly grow out the needed prongs that make simplisticus a productive link in the food chain.

Wrenchus simplisticus

Now, the missing link! I will go ahead and place the picture of wrenchus rachitus, so as to not keep you in suspense.

Wrenchus rachitus

From a simple four-pronged, but two-headed creature, the wrenchus genus was able to get its two heads together and form a single, but more sophisticated, revolving head. This head could actually spin in two different directions, and in conjunction with another species, >soketis variables, it extended its usefulness a great deal. In its fossilized state, the head of the specimen pictured above is locked in place, but while in its day, it could move bolts a bit at a time, thus saving efforts and performing functions that simplisticus could not achieve. It survived the genetic change and adapted as a more fitting species to the conditions it found itself inhabiting.

And now the final link, wrenchus impactus. Pictured below is a finely preserved specimen of this species. Notice the greatly advanced adaptations. It can now breath with the help of another species, aires compresores, which is good, as it has not developed lungs of its own. With another 26,742 generations, it hopes to become free from its current leech status on compresores.

Wrenchus impactus

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to live another 35,677,433 years? Imagine what wrenchus impactuswill evolve into! Let me fill you in on a few of the ambitious developments it hopes to attain to within the next 35,677,433 years:

1. Develop the ability to feed off of used motor oil. Since impactus lives in an environment where used motor oil is abundant—and it has noticed that few other species currently feed on it—it hopes to develop the necessary internal organs to process the calories in the oil. It has a start already. You notice that it has a rudimentary mouth, right above the 11” mark on the tape measure. The waste material exits in the curved area above the 5” mark. If it did not already have these adaptations, it would maybe take another 4,568,344 years, but it has a head start on the project. Now all it needs is a stomach, a colon, a liver, and a few other odds and ends like the necessary acids and digestive juices to process the oil and it will be able to leave its dependency on being alimented from the exhaled air of aires compresores.
2. impactus reproduces asexually. But noticing that most all other living creatures have a male and a female counterpart, impactus has determined to be like the rest. What it needs is for some of the species to focus intently on becoming a male, while the other half focus on becoming female. Hopefully the ability to reproduce asexually holds out until both the males and the females have fully developed their reproductive organs, or it will be the end of the impactus species! Once both male and female have fully developed, they can leave off the asexual reproduction of themselves, like almost all other sexually-reproducing species have.
3. And finally, impactus would really like to gain a conscience. As it stands, this species, and the earlier species as well, could twist off a bolt on a pink Cadillac without the slightest twinge of conscience. The problem is that no one has ever determined just how a conscience has evolved, so impactus is at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it. None the less, impactus is determined to document the development so that 35,677,433 years from now other species will know how to go about it as well.

Well, wouldn’t it be wonderful to see this all come to pass! Why, those creationists will surely have to shut their mouths, poor creatures. They say they don’t believe that something can develop out of nothing, and that current living things are too complex to have “just happened”. Even though wrenchus simplisticus was a rather simple being, and his evolving into wrenchus rachitus was a somewhat rudimentary refinement of the genus, it is proof enough that biological macro-evolution is science. And then to see how rachitus evolved into impactus! Who can believe such a fairy tale of a big, unseen, unknown Creator? I can understand a little how the missing link I have found could be doubted by a few of the most hard-headed creationists, but you have to wonder if they would still disbelieve 35,677,433 years from now, when impactus develops on its own strength and natural selection into an oil-eating, sexually-reproducing, conscientious wrenchus magnamus.

Well, hopefully some day they will turn their brains on and drop this silly idea of “intelligent design”.

You know, it seems some folks just believe whatever others tell them, regardless of how stupid and unrealistic it really is… Poor souls!

—Mike Atnip

Mike Atnip graduated from Kindergarten en 1973, and is currently working on his M.A. in Common Sense at The School of Hard Knocks. When not researching and writing about the evolution of the wrenchus genus, he occupies his specimens in his work as an uncertified shade-tree mechanic. Mike would love to add wrenchus magnamus to his motley collection of tools, so that it could dispose of his used motor oil and provide him the ability to work on cars without the need of being tethered to airus compresores. And with its sensitive conscience, Mike would not be twisting off so many bolts on his customers’ cars. As well, Mike could begin a breeding program and sell baby wrenchus magnamus to other mechanics, thus providing enough income to replace his shade tree with a real garage. However…Mike has never been able to muster up enough faith to believe in the absurdity of the doctrine of biological macro-evolution a la Darwin.

“Christianity is a crime which the world can never forgive.”

Get ready to get hammered if you preach that Christians will overcome sin in their life!

John Nelson–who wrote the above quote–was one of the first laymen to preach with John and Charles Wesley. He was forced into the army by people angry at his preaching and open rebuking.  It seems in those day that vagrants and other unwanted folks in a community were taken care of by simply forcing them into military service.  It would seem to me that an army of outlaws would not be very trustworthy, but we’ll leave that for now…

John Nelson was considered an evil man in his day.  His crime?  Tell folks they can know their sins are forgiven, and tell them they can, and should, live above sin.  He had bricks, eggs, potatoes and other objects hurled at him, and the house he was preaching at had all the windows busted out on one occasion by an angry mob.  His wife was beaten so severely by other women angry at John’s preaching, that the baby she was carrying in her womb was killed.

The crime?  Telling people that real Christians do not sin willfully.

While I do not agree with all of John Nelson’s theological points, the little book has proven to be thought-provoking and convicting…or at least challenging.  As mentioned, John reproved everyone he met for sins like swearing.  If you can imaging getting abducted into the army (by the way, he refused to kill anyone, according to Jesus’ command) with a bunch of godless outlaws as your companions, and then faithfully reproving them for every swear word–yes, EVERY swear word–then you can imagine John’s situation.  But it had its rewards.  On one occasion, within 24 hours all the soldiers around him quit cursing in his presence because of his rebukes.  And others people fell under conviction of sin at one of his reproofs.

The early Methodists were known for their reproving of sin.  You can read more about them in my book How the Circuit Riders Saved America.

Whether you read the book or not, just remember that Christianity–the real Christianity–is a crime the world cannot forgive.  And if the world is forgiving us and not persecuting us, then maybe we had better look to see if our walk with God is real.