Digging through my collection of auction bargains, I stumbled across (no, not literally!) the famed missing evolutionary link. Imagine! It was right among us all this time!

I have dutifully photographed the first link, the last link, and the missing middle link. First, let me introduce you to the first link of the genus wrenchus. This first photograph is wrenchus simplisticus. You will note the basic structure of this species has already adapted itself to specific purposes, with an ingenious design that permits simplisticus to wrap itself around bolts and give them a good twisting. The estimated time for evolutionary forces to develop the double-headed feature would be about 76,536 generations. Each new generation would slowly grow out the needed prongs that make simplisticus a productive link in the food chain.

Wrenchus simplisticus

Now, the missing link! I will go ahead and place the picture of wrenchus rachitus, so as to not keep you in suspense.

Wrenchus rachitus

From a simple four-pronged, but two-headed creature, the wrenchus genus was able to get its two heads together and form a single, but more sophisticated, revolving head. This head could actually spin in two different directions, and in conjunction with another species, >soketis variables, it extended its usefulness a great deal. In its fossilized state, the head of the specimen pictured above is locked in place, but while in its day, it could move bolts a bit at a time, thus saving efforts and performing functions that simplisticus could not achieve. It survived the genetic change and adapted as a more fitting species to the conditions it found itself inhabiting.

And now the final link, wrenchus impactus. Pictured below is a finely preserved specimen of this species. Notice the greatly advanced adaptations. It can now breath with the help of another species, aires compresores, which is good, as it has not developed lungs of its own. With another 26,742 generations, it hopes to become free from its current leech status on compresores.

Wrenchus impactus

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to live another 35,677,433 years? Imagine what wrenchus impactuswill evolve into! Let me fill you in on a few of the ambitious developments it hopes to attain to within the next 35,677,433 years:

1. Develop the ability to feed off of used motor oil. Since impactus lives in an environment where used motor oil is abundant—and it has noticed that few other species currently feed on it—it hopes to develop the necessary internal organs to process the calories in the oil. It has a start already. You notice that it has a rudimentary mouth, right above the 11” mark on the tape measure. The waste material exits in the curved area above the 5” mark. If it did not already have these adaptations, it would maybe take another 4,568,344 years, but it has a head start on the project. Now all it needs is a stomach, a colon, a liver, and a few other odds and ends like the necessary acids and digestive juices to process the oil and it will be able to leave its dependency on being alimented from the exhaled air of aires compresores.
2. impactus reproduces asexually. But noticing that most all other living creatures have a male and a female counterpart, impactus has determined to be like the rest. What it needs is for some of the species to focus intently on becoming a male, while the other half focus on becoming female. Hopefully the ability to reproduce asexually holds out until both the males and the females have fully developed their reproductive organs, or it will be the end of the impactus species! Once both male and female have fully developed, they can leave off the asexual reproduction of themselves, like almost all other sexually-reproducing species have.
3. And finally, impactus would really like to gain a conscience. As it stands, this species, and the earlier species as well, could twist off a bolt on a pink Cadillac without the slightest twinge of conscience. The problem is that no one has ever determined just how a conscience has evolved, so impactus is at a bit of a loss as to how to go about it. None the less, impactus is determined to document the development so that 35,677,433 years from now other species will know how to go about it as well.

Well, wouldn’t it be wonderful to see this all come to pass! Why, those creationists will surely have to shut their mouths, poor creatures. They say they don’t believe that something can develop out of nothing, and that current living things are too complex to have “just happened”. Even though wrenchus simplisticus was a rather simple being, and his evolving into wrenchus rachitus was a somewhat rudimentary refinement of the genus, it is proof enough that biological macro-evolution is science. And then to see how rachitus evolved into impactus! Who can believe such a fairy tale of a big, unseen, unknown Creator? I can understand a little how the missing link I have found could be doubted by a few of the most hard-headed creationists, but you have to wonder if they would still disbelieve 35,677,433 years from now, when impactus develops on its own strength and natural selection into an oil-eating, sexually-reproducing, conscientious wrenchus magnamus.

Well, hopefully some day they will turn their brains on and drop this silly idea of “intelligent design”.

You know, it seems some folks just believe whatever others tell them, regardless of how stupid and unrealistic it really is… Poor souls!

—Mike Atnip

Mike Atnip graduated from Kindergarten en 1973, and is currently working on his M.A. in Common Sense at The School of Hard Knocks. When not researching and writing about the evolution of the wrenchus genus, he occupies his specimens in his work as an uncertified shade-tree mechanic. Mike would love to add wrenchus magnamus to his motley collection of tools, so that it could dispose of his used motor oil and provide him the ability to work on cars without the need of being tethered to airus compresores. And with its sensitive conscience, Mike would not be twisting off so many bolts on his customers’ cars. As well, Mike could begin a breeding program and sell baby wrenchus magnamus to other mechanics, thus providing enough income to replace his shade tree with a real garage. However…Mike has never been able to muster up enough faith to believe in the absurdity of the doctrine of biological macro-evolution a la Darwin.